Oh my god. OH MY GOD.
Yes friends, it is I, your terribly inconsistent friendly neighborhood writer. It has been over a year since my last confession....I mean, entry. A YEAR, folks!
And the worst part is, I've had the ending to Call of Doody in my mind since I began writing it. Yet here we are a year down the road and I still haven't posted it. Every time I tried to actually sit down and write, it never seemed to come out right. I'm talking plot holes up the wazoo. But I need to just finish this thing and lay this beast to bed so that I can work on other projects. It just didn't feel right to start a new story while this unfinished rascal was looming over me in judgement.
So here we are! The end of Call of Doody! Whatever shall become of Alex, Mark and Cayden? Let's find out together!
_________________________________________________________________________________
Call of Doody: Part Five
After Cayden left, Alex and I had hunkered down and churned out the rest of the story like two maniacs on speed. I e-mailed the final manuscript to JR in a sleep deprived fog and I'd be lying if I said I even had much recollection of what we'd written. But at least it was done and sent and it was time for Jesus to take the wheel.
All we could do now was wait but we'd been waiting for weeks with no word. I jumped every time a phone jangled. I sat up straighter every time a new email popped up in my inbox. A new text message would nearly send me into a panic attack.
"You need to relax." Alex kept telling me. "It's in the ether now, there's nothing you can do about it."
I would just grumpily return to staring at my phone.
But finally one day, it came. My phone bleeped to life and I saw JR's name on the caller ID.
"Alex! ALEX!" I yelped.
"Jesus, what?" was his bored reply.
"It's JR! JR! JR is on the phone!" I suddenly realized I was stage whispering for some reason.
Alex perked up and I saw his eyes go wide. "Well, answer it!"
"I can't!" I suddenly felt frozen. "I'm scared!"
"Oh for fucks sake...." Alex said, as he took the phone from me, pressed the green button and put it on speakerphone. Then he mouthed to me "Go!"
"Hey JR!" I said, as cheerily and nonchalantly as possible. Be cool, man. Just be cool.
"Evening, kiddo." JR replied. "How are you finding yourself these days?"
"Um...not bad. I've just been--"
"Oh." He interrupted. "Sorry, no. I'm not actually interested, I was just being polite. I'll get right to the point and let you know that I'm calling in regards to that disjointed and rambling screed you called a 'story' that you e-mailed me a few weeks ago."
"Uh...oh." I stuttered, feeling knocked off balance already. "So....should I bother asking what you thought of it?"
"Oh please do, kiddo. Please please ask me what I thought of it."
"Um..ok. What did you think--"
JR butted in again, "I don't know what you and that nut boyfriend of yours are playing at--"
"Hey, who are you calling a nut?!" Alex yelped, wagging a finger at the phone.
"Well hello, Alexander." JR replied calmly, after a beat, "What a surprise you'd be listening in."
I put a hand on Alex's shoulder and made a face at him, begging for him to calm down and shut up. "You don't need to be rude to Alex, JR." I said into the phone. "He had nothing to do with it."
"That's cute, kiddo, but don't bother trying to defend him. This thing has his fingerprints all over it. "
"What do you mean?"
"Oh, I think you know. Blowing up abortion clinics? Marrying Sarah Palin AND her pregnant daughter? A plumber who carries a gun that fires actual bull shit?"
Alex put a hand over his mouth to stifle the giggling at his own jokes he'd written.
"You don't have the imagination or mental instability for that kind of nonsense and we both know it."
"Hey who are you calling--!" Alex began but I clapped a hand over his mouth.
"Well, we just thought a political game might be cool and like....educational or--"
"Alright, let's cut the bullshit, Matt."
"Mark." I corrected.
"What?"
"You called me Matt. My...my name's Mark?"
"Mark? Huh? Wait, who am I talking to?"
"Your.....nephew?"
"Oh. Mark, huh? Are you sure? I was certain it was Matt..."
"Um....yeah. I'm...I'm pretty sure."
"Hm. Well, alright. Thats what I get for taking all those benzos a few hours ago."
"What the fuck...." Alex mouthed at me. I grimaced and shrugged my shoulders.
"Anyway...."JR continued. "I'll be blunt. The story was terrible. Absolutely terrible. Worst pile of garbage I've ever read in my life."
Alex gave me two thumbs up and a wide grin.
"I mean, I didn't have the highest expectations when I recruited you," JR continued "But I certainly didn't expect anything on this level of just plain crass and tasteless insanity."
"Oh." Was all I could say.
"I'm dumber for having read it, Matt." I didn't bother correcting him. "Do you understand what I'm telling you? I would leave a lobotomy with more brain matter than I had left after reading this. Setting it on fire and throwing it into a sewer would only be an improvement."
Alex had now crossed his arms and was rocking back and forth on his heels with a smug grin splitting wide across his face. I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone.
"Wow. Well uh...to be honest, we didn't think you'd actually read it. I just assumed you'd send it straight to the storyboard department because you're above all that....you know....menial detail and whatever."
"Oh, I read it. God help me, I read it."
"Ok, I get the point, JR. Geez. Is that all you wanted to tell me?"
"Mostly, yes."
"Ok well--"
"You put me in a real tight spot, kid. A real tight spot. Tighter than the pussy on that hooker I had last night, you feel me?"
"Ew! God! No, I don't feel you!"
"We're on too tight of a deadline to commission a new story. So we're going on ahead with yours."
Alex gasped and put a hand on my arm, his eyes wide and his smile even bigger. "Oh my god, Mark!" he whispered excitedly.
"You mean....you're really going to make Call of Doody into a game?"
"Ugh. Please don't ever say those words again. But yes. We've already ran it through several focus groups to determine public reaction and how to market the damn thing."
"Oh. so....what did the focus groups think?"
"Oh, they loved it."
Alex's rapture stalled instantly.
"Sorry, what was that?" I asked, certain I hadn't heard right.
"They loved it. Couldn't get enough. It's already getting incredibly positive buzz from all of the top game reviewers. One even said it was....oh how did he put it? I believe he called it 'brave, poignant and incredibly moving.'"
"I can't say I disagree with him...." Alex said under his breath.
"What?!" I couldn't even try to hide my utter disbelief, "You have to be kidding!"
"I kind of wish I were kiddo. But we're projecting enormous profits on this game. Maybe even record shattering."
*That* got Alex's attention.
"No!" He shouted into the phone. "No way. How is that possible?!"
"People are idiots, kid. Absolute fucking idiots. They're unpredictable, they're emotional....who the hell knows what they're thinking, right?"
"But....but...." I stammered.
"You're going to have a game, kiddo. Congratulations."
"But....I....but" Oh my god, why couldn't I form words?!
"Strange." JR said cooly. "I'd have thought you'd be more excited. It's not like you were trying to sabotage me or anything, right kiddo? You wouldn't do that to your old uncle, now would you?"
"I...uh....no! Of course not!"
JR snorted. "OK. Right."
"So JR," Alex said, suddenly looking as if he'd been struck by a brilliant idea. "What kind of royalties can we expect from this game?"
Oh wow, I hadn't even thought of that. Maybe we wouldn't be sinking JR's company but at least we could get rich! But JR just started laughing hysterically. Alex and I exchaned concerened glances.
"Oh kid, you kill me! You absolutely kill me! HA HA HA!"
"I *wish*...." muttered Alex.
"What? What's so funny? We're going to get royalites right?" I demanded.
"No! God no. Hell no." JR said, after he'd recovered from his fit enough to form words.
"What?! You can't do that!" Alex shouted.
"Sure I can." JR said cooly, having fully recovered at this point.
"But we WROTE it! We're entitled to compensation!"
JR just scoffed. "Entitled? You didn't sign a contract. You don't have a lawyer. I asked you for a favor and offered a flat payment and you accepted."
"But you're going to make millions off of our game! All I get is a measly $500?!"
"I didn't hear you complaining when I intitially offered it to you."
"You're not going to get away with this JR!" Alex threatened.
"Oh, pipe down pussy cat. Of course I will. You don't have a legal leg to stand on."
"Well...." I sputtered, trying to think of a devastating comeback, "Well..."
"You may make some money, JR, but your name is going to be ruined! The public may like this game, but no one in the industry is going to take you seriously after releasing something like this!" Alex said, his brain still firing on all cylinders apparently.
"Yeah!" I stupidly agreed.
JR chuckled again. "You kids really have no idea how business works do you? My company is creating this game, but they're distributing it under the name of my sister company."
"Sister company?" Alex repeated.
"What sister company?" I demanded.
"The one I created for the sole purpose of releasing this shit storm of a game. You think I'm going to tarnish my company's reputation with that piece of trash? Hell, I was planning on excorcising it and throwing it into the fires of hell up until I saw the publics reaction to it. Money has a way of changing my mind."
"But the public is still expecting a release from YOUR company! What about your deadline? How's that going to make you look?"
"Aw, that's really sweet. Well, I appreciate your concern for my company, but I wouldn't worry about me. Oddly enough, I received an e-mail shortly after yours with yet ANOTHER story concept for a game which was actually quite excellent. Best game concept I've read in years, to be honest."
"You....you received another story?"
"Yeah...something to do with an old veteran with a limp. A cybernetic suit. Some chick with massive knockers. That part really sold me, not gonna lie."
Alex and I exchanged horrified glances.
"Fucking Cayden!" We yelped in unison.
"Yeah, that was his name! "JR said "Friend of yours, right? Bright kid. Definitely going places."
"So what, you're going to make both games?"
"No, I'm hiring this one out to some podunk studio in South Korea. The graphics and music will be of much lower quality but they can get it done quickly. And more important, cheaply. But the game has tested great in focus groups so far and we expect it to be a wild success. We've already signed him on to write the next two and make it into a trilogy."
"You have got to be kidding me."
"Nah, the truth is much more fun. And fortunately for your friend, he had the foresight to have a lawyer look over everything before he agreed to anything. He's going to be a very rich man in a few months. Brilliant, that one. You could really learn something from him."
"This isn't happening. This isn't happening." My brain had blown a circuit. What are thoughts? What are words? What planet am I on?!
"Well the jokes on you JR!" Alex sneered. "The public loves our game so who's to stop us from writing more and selling them to a competing game studio?"
"Hey yeah!" I said softly, Alex's brilliance breaking my stupor. And then I repeated, louder and more threateningly into the phone. "Yeah! How about *that* JR?"
JR just snickered. "Welllll, I certainly can't stop you but you may find it bit difficult. Someone may have started a rumor on Reddit that the writers of that game are women. And feminists. And social justice warriors. It may have spread a bit out of control from there. I think you might have a hard time finding anyone willing to work with you from here on out. Oh and.....you might want to change your address."
"You....YOU...." Alex spat and sputtered and then he exploded. "YOU FUCKING PRICK! YOU GREEDY MANIPULATIVE BASTARD! YOU SHIT EATING COCK SUCKING GOOD FOR NOTHING--"
"What he said!" I added.
JR sounded unmoved. "Don't fuck around with a rich man, kiddo. You'll never win. Enjoy your bland and meaningless existence."
And he hung up.
"Evening, kiddo." JR replied. "How are you finding yourself these days?"
"Um...not bad. I've just been--"
"Oh." He interrupted. "Sorry, no. I'm not actually interested, I was just being polite. I'll get right to the point and let you know that I'm calling in regards to that disjointed and rambling screed you called a 'story' that you e-mailed me a few weeks ago."
"Uh...oh." I stuttered, feeling knocked off balance already. "So....should I bother asking what you thought of it?"
"Oh please do, kiddo. Please please ask me what I thought of it."
"Um..ok. What did you think--"
JR butted in again, "I don't know what you and that nut boyfriend of yours are playing at--"
"Hey, who are you calling a nut?!" Alex yelped, wagging a finger at the phone.
"Well hello, Alexander." JR replied calmly, after a beat, "What a surprise you'd be listening in."
I put a hand on Alex's shoulder and made a face at him, begging for him to calm down and shut up. "You don't need to be rude to Alex, JR." I said into the phone. "He had nothing to do with it."
"That's cute, kiddo, but don't bother trying to defend him. This thing has his fingerprints all over it. "
"What do you mean?"
"Oh, I think you know. Blowing up abortion clinics? Marrying Sarah Palin AND her pregnant daughter? A plumber who carries a gun that fires actual bull shit?"
Alex put a hand over his mouth to stifle the giggling at his own jokes he'd written.
"You don't have the imagination or mental instability for that kind of nonsense and we both know it."
"Hey who are you calling--!" Alex began but I clapped a hand over his mouth.
"Well, we just thought a political game might be cool and like....educational or--"
"Alright, let's cut the bullshit, Matt."
"Mark." I corrected.
"What?"
"You called me Matt. My...my name's Mark?"
"Mark? Huh? Wait, who am I talking to?"
"Your.....nephew?"
"Oh. Mark, huh? Are you sure? I was certain it was Matt..."
"Um....yeah. I'm...I'm pretty sure."
"Hm. Well, alright. Thats what I get for taking all those benzos a few hours ago."
"What the fuck...." Alex mouthed at me. I grimaced and shrugged my shoulders.
"Anyway...."JR continued. "I'll be blunt. The story was terrible. Absolutely terrible. Worst pile of garbage I've ever read in my life."
Alex gave me two thumbs up and a wide grin.
"I mean, I didn't have the highest expectations when I recruited you," JR continued "But I certainly didn't expect anything on this level of just plain crass and tasteless insanity."
"Oh." Was all I could say.
"I'm dumber for having read it, Matt." I didn't bother correcting him. "Do you understand what I'm telling you? I would leave a lobotomy with more brain matter than I had left after reading this. Setting it on fire and throwing it into a sewer would only be an improvement."
Alex had now crossed his arms and was rocking back and forth on his heels with a smug grin splitting wide across his face. I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone.
"Wow. Well uh...to be honest, we didn't think you'd actually read it. I just assumed you'd send it straight to the storyboard department because you're above all that....you know....menial detail and whatever."
"Oh, I read it. God help me, I read it."
"Ok, I get the point, JR. Geez. Is that all you wanted to tell me?"
"Mostly, yes."
"Ok well--"
"You put me in a real tight spot, kid. A real tight spot. Tighter than the pussy on that hooker I had last night, you feel me?"
"Ew! God! No, I don't feel you!"
"We're on too tight of a deadline to commission a new story. So we're going on ahead with yours."
Alex gasped and put a hand on my arm, his eyes wide and his smile even bigger. "Oh my god, Mark!" he whispered excitedly.
"You mean....you're really going to make Call of Doody into a game?"
"Ugh. Please don't ever say those words again. But yes. We've already ran it through several focus groups to determine public reaction and how to market the damn thing."
"Oh. so....what did the focus groups think?"
"Oh, they loved it."
Alex's rapture stalled instantly.
"Sorry, what was that?" I asked, certain I hadn't heard right.
"They loved it. Couldn't get enough. It's already getting incredibly positive buzz from all of the top game reviewers. One even said it was....oh how did he put it? I believe he called it 'brave, poignant and incredibly moving.'"
"I can't say I disagree with him...." Alex said under his breath.
"What?!" I couldn't even try to hide my utter disbelief, "You have to be kidding!"
"I kind of wish I were kiddo. But we're projecting enormous profits on this game. Maybe even record shattering."
*That* got Alex's attention.
"No!" He shouted into the phone. "No way. How is that possible?!"
"People are idiots, kid. Absolute fucking idiots. They're unpredictable, they're emotional....who the hell knows what they're thinking, right?"
"But....but...." I stammered.
"You're going to have a game, kiddo. Congratulations."
"But....I....but" Oh my god, why couldn't I form words?!
"Strange." JR said cooly. "I'd have thought you'd be more excited. It's not like you were trying to sabotage me or anything, right kiddo? You wouldn't do that to your old uncle, now would you?"
"I...uh....no! Of course not!"
JR snorted. "OK. Right."
"So JR," Alex said, suddenly looking as if he'd been struck by a brilliant idea. "What kind of royalties can we expect from this game?"
Oh wow, I hadn't even thought of that. Maybe we wouldn't be sinking JR's company but at least we could get rich! But JR just started laughing hysterically. Alex and I exchaned concerened glances.
"Oh kid, you kill me! You absolutely kill me! HA HA HA!"
"I *wish*...." muttered Alex.
"What? What's so funny? We're going to get royalites right?" I demanded.
"No! God no. Hell no." JR said, after he'd recovered from his fit enough to form words.
"What?! You can't do that!" Alex shouted.
"Sure I can." JR said cooly, having fully recovered at this point.
"But we WROTE it! We're entitled to compensation!"
JR just scoffed. "Entitled? You didn't sign a contract. You don't have a lawyer. I asked you for a favor and offered a flat payment and you accepted."
"But you're going to make millions off of our game! All I get is a measly $500?!"
"I didn't hear you complaining when I intitially offered it to you."
"You're not going to get away with this JR!" Alex threatened.
"Oh, pipe down pussy cat. Of course I will. You don't have a legal leg to stand on."
"Well...." I sputtered, trying to think of a devastating comeback, "Well..."
"You may make some money, JR, but your name is going to be ruined! The public may like this game, but no one in the industry is going to take you seriously after releasing something like this!" Alex said, his brain still firing on all cylinders apparently.
"Yeah!" I stupidly agreed.
JR chuckled again. "You kids really have no idea how business works do you? My company is creating this game, but they're distributing it under the name of my sister company."
"Sister company?" Alex repeated.
"What sister company?" I demanded.
"The one I created for the sole purpose of releasing this shit storm of a game. You think I'm going to tarnish my company's reputation with that piece of trash? Hell, I was planning on excorcising it and throwing it into the fires of hell up until I saw the publics reaction to it. Money has a way of changing my mind."
"But the public is still expecting a release from YOUR company! What about your deadline? How's that going to make you look?"
"Aw, that's really sweet. Well, I appreciate your concern for my company, but I wouldn't worry about me. Oddly enough, I received an e-mail shortly after yours with yet ANOTHER story concept for a game which was actually quite excellent. Best game concept I've read in years, to be honest."
"You....you received another story?"
"Yeah...something to do with an old veteran with a limp. A cybernetic suit. Some chick with massive knockers. That part really sold me, not gonna lie."
Alex and I exchanged horrified glances.
"Fucking Cayden!" We yelped in unison.
"Yeah, that was his name! "JR said "Friend of yours, right? Bright kid. Definitely going places."
"So what, you're going to make both games?"
"No, I'm hiring this one out to some podunk studio in South Korea. The graphics and music will be of much lower quality but they can get it done quickly. And more important, cheaply. But the game has tested great in focus groups so far and we expect it to be a wild success. We've already signed him on to write the next two and make it into a trilogy."
"You have got to be kidding me."
"Nah, the truth is much more fun. And fortunately for your friend, he had the foresight to have a lawyer look over everything before he agreed to anything. He's going to be a very rich man in a few months. Brilliant, that one. You could really learn something from him."
"This isn't happening. This isn't happening." My brain had blown a circuit. What are thoughts? What are words? What planet am I on?!
"Well the jokes on you JR!" Alex sneered. "The public loves our game so who's to stop us from writing more and selling them to a competing game studio?"
"Hey yeah!" I said softly, Alex's brilliance breaking my stupor. And then I repeated, louder and more threateningly into the phone. "Yeah! How about *that* JR?"
JR just snickered. "Welllll, I certainly can't stop you but you may find it bit difficult. Someone may have started a rumor on Reddit that the writers of that game are women. And feminists. And social justice warriors. It may have spread a bit out of control from there. I think you might have a hard time finding anyone willing to work with you from here on out. Oh and.....you might want to change your address."
"You....YOU...." Alex spat and sputtered and then he exploded. "YOU FUCKING PRICK! YOU GREEDY MANIPULATIVE BASTARD! YOU SHIT EATING COCK SUCKING GOOD FOR NOTHING--"
"What he said!" I added.
JR sounded unmoved. "Don't fuck around with a rich man, kiddo. You'll never win. Enjoy your bland and meaningless existence."
And he hung up.
We just sat there in numb silence for a few minutes, neither of us moving or saying a word. Finally Alex broke the silence.
"Sheesh. Can you believe that guy?" he said.
I slowly turned to him with dark eyes. "This. Is all. Your. Fault!" I said, carefully enunciating each word. Alex looked taken aback.
"My fault?" He said. "How is this my fault? He's your uncle!"
"This was all your idea! If we had just tried to write a good story, we wouldn't have pissed off JR and then we could be collecting all those royalties instead of Cayden!"
"Well, who is the one who kicked Cayden out of the damn house?!"
"I...you....I.." I sputtered. Ok, he had me there but I wasn't giving up. "Well, you wouldn't let Cayden use his story idea anyway! You insisted on creating the worst game possible!"
"Ok...ok." Alex was holding his palms up in surrender. "Sure. You're right. But....but look at it this way!" He said, putting on an optimistic tone. "Isn't it satisfying to know that a story you wrote is going to be beloved by millions of people? It could be a cult classic! I mean, it's not about the money, it's about the art, right?"
"Of course it's about the money!" I snapped. "I don't give a shit about making art! Why can't you just admit that you were being a troll and it ruined everything?"
"Fine alright, it's my fault! It's all my fault! Is that what you want to hear?" He sounded tired.
"Yes." I replied curtly. "Yes it is."
"It's not like I had to twist your arm to get you to go along with it though. You were a willing accomplice."
"Ugh....fine." I put my face in my hands. "Fine, I was an accomplice. Let's just drop it, ok? I just want to forget that any of this ever happened."
"Sounds good to me." Alex said, rubbing my back. Then, "You want to just watch some TV then?"
"Sure." I replied, feeling defeated.
"Ok!" Alex chirped, trying to cheer me up. He turned on the set and we see Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick yukking it up on the screen.
"Oh check it out, The Producers is on!" He said, gleefully. "I love this movie! Want to watch?"
My head slowly rolled to one side and I regarded him darkly before slowly saying two simple words. Two words that I should have learned to say a long time ago.
"Shut. Up."
THE END
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That's all folks! Woohoo! I finished a story! I actually really finished a story! Ten points to Gryffindor!
So looking forward, I have a couple of original stories that have been kicking around in my head for the last few years, but I'm still having some trouble getting the bits and pieces to come together coherently. One of them I think would probably work better in comic book form (time to practice drawing again!) and the other one just needs a lot of work. But I do have some progress done on a fanfiction I've been working on, so maybe I'll post that next. Or maybe I will leave this blog for short stories and prompts just so I can keep practicing and maybe leave less than a year between posts, heh.
We shall see, but in the meantime, I'm going to bask in the glory of actually finishing something I started for once. Thank you so much for reading and happy trails to you!
Love,
Ryssa
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