Call of Doody: Part Three

Evenin' folks! I hope you are finding yourselves well today!

You may have noticed I neglected to post last week. I have several grand excuses for this mishap but I doubt you are interested in a single one of them (nor should you be.) 

I would like to say, however, that I found myself falling into old habits while writing this chapter and I kept putting off posting it because it wasn't quite right and it's too rough and it's too this and it's too that. But that is the attitude that has kept me from writing for much too long! Those are the exact moments I need to power through and is a big reason why I am attempting a weekly deadline. I spend too much time thinking and not enough time writing. Writing requires thinking, of course, but overdoing it just leads to the writing never getting done. And ain't nobody got time for that!

So I may not be 100% satisfied with it and it may be rough but regardless, I present you with chapter three in the tale of Call of Doody. Like a wild animal, I release it into the untamed wilderness of the internet. 

You're free, Chapter Three! You're free!

Call of Doody: Part Three

Before we even had a chance to move, I could already hear the door slamming open and the floorboards creaking under Cayden's heavy steps toward the kitchen.

"Would it kill you to lock the door once in awhile?" I hissed at Alex. Alex opened his mouth to respond but Cayden was already rounding the corner and trudging into the kitchen.

"Wassup assholes?" he greeted us.

"Hey, man. How's it goin'?" Alex replied.

"Ah, you know." Cayden said vaguely as he made a beeline for our cupboards and started to root through them as if he were looking for treasure. Eventually he found a jar of peanut butter and started scooping it out with his fingers, shoving it in his mouth and then returning his saliva soaked fingers back to the jar to repeat the process. I tried to speak but found myself bound by what must have been some sort of panic induced paralysis. Instead I just stared, horrified, until it registered that my teeth were searing with pain. Then I realized I was clenching my jaw so hard, for a moment I thought it might snap. Finally Alex, stood up and moseyed over to Cayden.

"So what's up? What can I do for ya?" He asked nonchalantly, as he leaned on the kitchen counter with one hand.

Cayden set the jar of peanut butter back on the counter for a minute and said around a mouth full of glue. "Oh nothin', man. I just wanted to see how you liked that cigarette I gave you." The way he said "cigarette" did not sit well with me. Nor did the way he winked when he said it. Or, while we're at it, the way slimy peanut butter sputtered from his lips with every syllable.

I finally found my voice and said coldly, "Do you mean that rancid, charred butt that you sold him?"

Cayden ignored me. "So how was it?"

Alex blinked. "It was uh....it was fine. You know. It was a cigarette. A....half-burnt up cigarette."

Cayden looked past Alex at the table and saw the cigarette still smoldering in the makeshift ashtray. With Cayden distracted, I noticed Alex snatch the desecrated peanut butter jar off the counter and discreetly toss it into the trash bin. I love that man.

"Aw, what the hell? You didn't smoke it yet?" Cayden had walked over to the table now and was examining the cigarette.

"Yeah, I took a puff." Alex replied.

"One puff?"

"Yeah. So what? I bought it, I can do what I want with it. I was thinking of using it as a centerpiece."

"Why don't you go on and finish it?"

Alex frowned and set his jaw. "No."

"Why not?"

 "I don't want to."

"Come on. It's not even a whole smoke."

"Nah, one puff and I'm good. I'm on a diet."

"Just one more drag, man!" Now Cayden was holding the cigarette up in front of Alex's face. I felt like I was watching an after school special and the Power Rangers were going to appear any minute to teach Alex how to Just Say No.

"No, dude!"

"Why not?"

"Because you're being weird about it!"

"I'm not being weird about it."

"Why do you care so much if I smoke this? What, did you lace it with PCP or something?"

Cayden reared back a bit and looked affronted. "What? Nah dude, it's just a spliff."

"A spliff?!" I yelped.

"A spliff!" Alex repeated and then he busted up laughing.

Cayden laughed too. "Yeah, man. I wouldn't charge a dollar for a half smoked cigarette, what kind of guy do you think I am?"

"The kind of guy who would slip someone illegal drugs without their knowledge and laugh about it?" I sneered, narrowing my eyes.

Alex put a hand on my shoulder and said gently. "It's all right, Mark. Lighten up, there's no harm done." Then to Cayden in a more jovial tone, "I guess that explains why I'm so hungry!" He and Cayden roared again, like it was the most hilarious thing they'd ever heard. I pointedly removed Alex's hand from my shoulder.

"Oh yeah, and I was wondering if I could borrow your power drill." Cayden said to Alex, once they'd stopped cackling.

"Sure thing, man, let me go get it."

Alex disappeared down the hallway to our spare room and I took the opportunity to stand up and take something for the massive headache I felt coming on. But before I could take two steps, Cayden had grabbed me by the arm and pulled me to a far corner of the kitchen. In a hushed voice he said, "Hey man, I don't mean to freak you out or anything....but dude." he paused dramatically. "The way your roommate put his hand on your shoulder? I think he might be gay for you, man."

I squinted my eyes in confusion. "My....roommate?"

"Yeah, man!" He pointedly looked in the direction of the hallway Alex had just entered.

Alex?

"Do you mean Alex?" I asked.

"Yes! He wants to bone you, dude!" And then he demonstrated the euphemism by enthusiastically humping the air.

"Alex...uh." Oh god, I do not want to have this conversation. Especially not with Cayden. "He's not my roommate. He's my boyfriend."

Cayden stopped ghost humping and his jaw dropped as he let out a weird sort of squawk. I waited for a second but he just kept staring at me, bug-eyed, so I felt like I should keep going.

"So um....yeah, I....I know he wants to bone me and um....it's cool so.....yeah....." The words trailed away awkwardly.

"Oh wow." Cayden finally said, then he splayed his fingers over his head and made an explosion noise with his mouth. "Mind officially blown, man!"

"Really?" I said, genuinely surprised. "Is it really not obvious?"

"Yeah, man, I thought you just had a Bert and Ernie thing going on. You know like, on that puppet show."

"I'm pretty sure Bert and Ernie were gay, actually."

"And you guys fight a lot." he continued.

"We do not!"

"Yes you do."

"No we don't!"

"You're fighting right now."

"I'm...." I sputtered. "I'm not fighting!"

"And you call him 'dude.'"

"So what?" I said, sounding more defensive than I intended. It wasn't weird that I called him 'dude'. Was it? "He was my friend for years before we got together. I call all of my friends 'dude,'"

"You don't call me 'dude.'"

Shit. He sounded hurt and for some reason, I felt myself deflate. There was an awkward silence.

"Well..." I said, struggling for words "I mean.....I don't..."

"I'm just fuckin' with ya, man!" He said finally, slapping me on the back and releasing a good-natured chuckle. "Nah, it's cool man, I know we're friends."

We are? I didn't know how to respond to that, so I just nodded. Fuck, why am I nodding?

"And you two, it's cool, you know. I'm not homophobic or nothin'. Fuck yeah, gay marriage and shit."

I nodded and gave a tight smile. "Ok. Cool, man."

"My uncle's gay, you know."

I nodded again. "Cool."

"Sometimes I think I might be gay."

I didn't know how to respond to that so I just said "Hm." and nodded some more, wanting nothing more than for this conversation to end.

"Like, I've kissed guys." he continued. "One time at summer camp when I was 13 I kissed like twenty guys."

Oh here we go again. Time to settle in for another one of Cayden's tales.

"Did you?" I asked, sarcastically, knowing that he wouldn't pick up on it. He never has before, at least.

"Yeah! I sucked so many dicks that summer, man. They called me the Cock Master."

"Did they now?"

"And then they hoisted me in up in the air and carried me all around the camp chanting 'Cock Master! Cock Master!'"

More nodding. "Ok then."

Thankfully, it was at that point that Alex finally emerged from the hallway.

"Here you go, dude." Alex said, as he rounded into the kitchen. Then he stopped short and looked taken aback when he saw me and Cayden still huddled together in the corner, infinitely closer than I would have liked. "What uh....what are you guys doing?" he asked, trying to sound cool but I knew that tone of voice.

"See man?" Cayden said to me. "At least your boyfriend calls me dude."

"What?" Alex asked, looking like he didn't know if he should be confused or angry.

I gladly took several steps back from Cayden. "Nothing. Cayden was just telling me about Cock Masters."

"What?!" Ok, that definitely sounded angry. I don't think I quite thought through how that sounded.

"Don't worry, brotha, I wouldn't hit on your old man." Cayden said as he walked over to Alex and put an arm around his shoulders. Then he winked at me. "He's not my type, anyway." I felt my stomach heave a little.

Alex kept looking back and forth between me and Cayden but finally relaxed his shoulders and just said, "I'm so confused."

After an uncomfortably long silence, I said "Well, this has been fun. But me and Alex have lot of work to do."

"Yeah, I bet you do." Cayden said slyly, winking at me again.

"Will you stop doing that, please? We have a lot of work to do and we need--"

"Dude, are you gay?" Alex asked Cayden, cutting me off. Cayden just shrugged.

I pressed on. "And we need to have some privacy--"

"Privacy, huh?" Cayden said in that same sly tone. Then he started humping the air again.

"Would you knock it off?!" I shouted, which startled all three of us. As long as they were quiet, I finished my sentence in a rush. "We have a lot of work to do and we need to concentrate, so will you please go home?"

Cayden was undeterred. "Well, what are you guys working on?"

"Nothing--" I started to say but I was too late and Alex was already saying. "Mark's asshole of an uncle asked us to write the story for the next Call of Duty game."

Cayden's eyes lit up. "No shit? I love that game! That's crazy, man!"

"Yep. Crazy." I replied curtly. "And it's due tomorrow so we really need to get to work so if you could just....you know...." I cocked my head toward the front door.

"I can help though!"

"No." I said, already shaking my head vigorously. "Absolutely not."

"What the fuck, man? Why not?"

Because you're the most crass and irritating individual I've ever met? is what I thought, but instead I said, "Because my uncle assigned this task to me and only me. I need to do it myself."

"It's not the Ring of Power, Mark." Alex said, under his breath. I widened my eyes and mouthed at him, "Shut. Up." 

"How are you supposed to write it?" Cayden asked, sounding skeptical. "Do either of you even play Call of Duty?"

 I snorted and said "Yeah. Like, only all the time." Alex raised an eyebrow at me.

Cayden regarded me for a moment and asked, "Which one's your favorite?"

I felt a bead of sweat trickle down my face. There's more than one? I looked to Alex for help but he was busy looking at the ground and biting his fist to keep from laughing.

"The..." I started and then cleared my throat. "The one where ah...."

"Oh, I know." Cayden offered. "Is it the one where you're in the civil war?"

"Yes!" I said, pointing my finger for emphasis. "Yep, that's it! Such a great game. Man, what a war that was."

"Liar!" Cayden bellowed and shoved his finger in my face. "None of them are about the civil war!"

I shrank back and for a terrifying moment I thought I might relieve myself in my pants. I recovered, however, and spat back, "Well, you're one to talk about lying!"

"What? What does that mean?" Cayden asked, sounding genuinely befuddled.

"Nothing. Nevermind." I didn't want to press it. The longer we argued, the longer before he left.

"Well you just proved you haven't played the games and you need my help, so I'm helping."

"Why do you want to help? Don't you have something better to do on a Saturday? Like....I don't know, power drilling?"

"Come on, man!" Cayden was now pulling out a chair at the table and tearing off several sheets from Alex's legal pad. "I love Call of Duty and I love writing. This is perfect!"

"You love writing?" Alex piped up.

"Yeah! Why do you sound surprised?"

Alex and I didn't say anything. Where would we start?

"Well..." Alex finally said, slowly. "I mean, I guess you do have a flair for story telling."

I half-nodded. That's a fair point.

"You have no idea, man!" Cayden picked the spliff up from the ashtray and took a drag. On the exhale he said,  "I don't have a degree or nothin' but I won first place in every writing contest they had in high school."

"I'm sure you did." I said, rolling my eyes.

"I've even been published." he continued.

Alex, did a double-take. "You've been published?" He actually sounded impressed. I looked at him sideways. He didn't actually believe this crap, did he?

Cayden leaned back in his chair, looking smug. "Yep. Front page on Reddit for two weeks."

"I don't think that counts." I said, dryly.

"Hey dude, will you excuse us for a minute?" Alex said to Cayden as he grabbed me by the hand and led me into the living room. Once we were out of earshot, he whispered "I think he should help us." at the same time I whispered, "He is not helping us."

"Why not?" Alex asked, frustrated.

"Do you even have to ask?!" I said before Alex gestured for me to keep my voice down. I continued in a lower register, "It's Cayden! I don't want him in my house, I don't want to hang out with him and I don't want to work with him! No! No, no, absolutely not, no!"

"You're so judgmental." Alex chided me. "Give him a chance. You have to admit he's great at making up stories."

"We already decided on a story."

"But he's actually played the game! We need him, Mark! We do." He put his hands on my upper arms and gently rubbed up and down. "Come on. You can put up with him for one day."

I groaned, feeling my defenses crumble around me like sawdust. "God. Fine. But if he sticks his fingers in any more food, he's out of here!"

Alex smiled and clasped my arms. "Deal."

 We started to turn and head back to the kitchen when I said "Oh but one more thing."

"What?"

A teasing smile spread across my lips. "Were you actually jealous of Cayden for a minute back there?"

Alex's face hardened and he grimly said "I don't want to talk about it."

"Really though?" I pushed him, "Cayden? You were jealous over Cayden?"

"I don't want to talk about it!" He hissed and then did an about-face and marched into the kitchen.

I kept grinning at his back for a moment before deciding that I should probably join him and get this disastrous task over with.

"Here we go." I sighed and dragged my feet back toward what was certain to be a hellish afternoon.



To be continued next week! Thanks for reading!

Love,
Ryssa